You know you really like a book when you check it out from the library a whopping three times, take so many notes you have to create your own google doc of all the helpful nuggets you found and tell every boy mom in earshot about it. He's Not Lazy- Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself by Adam Price is one of my most treasured parenting resources.
If you are a mom of a teen or preteen boy this book by Adam Price might just hit home with you like it did for me and my husband. It helped me feel like I wasn't alone in this world of just not understanding why my son was doing (or more likely, not doing) things a certain way. It helped me understand him and his side of things better, and best yet, gave us a realistic game plan going forward that has helped me step out of his way and allow him to forge his own path and start to create his own game plan. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't always easy when the rubber hits the road, hence the many notes that I refer to often.
Below are some of my most favorite takeaways, although if this sounds like a topic that might be of interest you (and if you've read this far it probably is) I strongly suggest grabbing a copy and diving in yourself.
He might be trying out the identity of being a school avoider to self-protect. Afraid he will fail and it will be too big of a blow to his self-esteem.
Parents should talk less about their values and more about his to help him develop his own goals.
Control less and structure more so your son will develop better time management and self regulation.
Make him tired of you saying “what is your plan?”. Reinforce most good things in life require a plan.
The book has a great step-by-step guide to helping your son make a plan with various examples. Sounds simple, but the steps will help him be successful and support his developing executive functioning.
People procrastinate because of: fear of failure; perfectionism; boredom; or being overwhelmed, so we do something more pleasurable like playing video games.
There are great studying tips such as using the Pomodoro Technique
Parenting forward- treating your son like the man you hope he’ll become
The optimal environment for motivation to grow is one that supports independent thinking and problem-solving.
Whenever possible let the world teach him a lesson rather than you.
You can’t make another person change, if you keep asking the same question. For example if you keep asking, "Did you do your homework?", you won’t get answers but you will get resentment. You can’t shame or guilt someone into changing.
A good parent is not one who worries all night about what their child needs and spends all day trying to meet those needs. A good parent is one who lets their child struggle with the optimal amount of confusion, frustration, and self-doubt so that he can manage these feelings as an adult.
Your son is not lazy or unmotivated; he's ambivalent and entitled.
You cannot be the defender of change – you have to be the defender of your son's growing maturity and his ability to make the changes himself.
He still needs limits and expectations, however these need to be communicated with a spirit of optimism.
Just like you held back tears to reassure them the first day of kindergarten would be great, you need to communicate faith in his ability to solve the problem and be successful.
The best gift you can give your son is to accept him as he is right now and trust in his future instead of predicting that he will fail out of college. Tell him, "I know by the time you get to college you will have figured out how to study". Mantra- be an advocate not a prosecutor.
Remember there are no quick fixes. This is a process – you cannot rush development, and you have enough time. This process may start today, but it does not end when your son graduates high school. In fact your son's greatest growth may happen in college.
Manage your anxiety- separate real concerns from catastrophes you’ve imagined. Think about your son's worst case scenario, write it down with as much detail as possible. Example – never going to college, sleeping in the basement, and spending all day on the couch playing video games.
The most important conversation skill you can have right now is knowing when to stop talking.
Follow the rule where you talk 25% of the time and listen 75% of the time.
Examples of ways to encourage elaboration include- help me understand;
What else?
Tell me three reasons why you hate your teacher.
Give us some advice on an approach that would work better for you.
What do you think you can do to improve your grades?
How do you feel about your current GPA?
I hope this has been a helpful tidbit of information if you are struggling with how your son is approaching things and searching for some advice on how to help him take more charge of his life and learn how to communicate with him better. Honestly, I have to refer to my notes above (and a lot of others), and the book itself, often. There is a lot more information shared in the book so I urge you to give it a read if you find any of this helpful in your world, with your boy(s).
